


I Live in Shadows That the Enemy Casts (You’ll Never Find Me on the High Ground)

by ambitiousbutrubbish



Series: Maybe You'll See Me on the Evening News (With a Bag Over My Head) [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, M/M, This Explains So Much, and that headcanon involves asexuality and melancholy and unshakable love, and why they're all vaguely in a 'verse together, not the least being why they just sit around like holding hands and crap, so apparently i headcanon for these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 16:25:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1654946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambitiousbutrubbish/pseuds/ambitiousbutrubbish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A monster falls in love with a symbol, and the monster discovers that he’s not made of ice and steel but of blood and flesh and pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Live in Shadows That the Enemy Casts (You’ll Never Find Me on the High Ground)

There were rules against fraternisation. Erwin knew about them, in a very abstract kind of way. His first week of training, the head instructor had called together all the new trainees and explained them and why they existed in excruciating detail - physical intimacy often led to emotional intimacy and that wasn’t practical. Intimacy led to distractions, distractions to soldiers hesitating in battle or disobeying orders to protect the object of their affections. It wasn’t safe to get involved with someone who could potentially die at any moment. Many a good soldier hadn’t come out of such a loss the same.

Erwin personally had never thought much about the rules again after that day, except for one kiss eight months or so into his training that was ill-advised on all accounts.

When Erwin was given his own squad, fraternisation regulations were the last thing he worried about. There was a war to be fought; interpersonal relations between those who served with him were very, very low on his list of concerns. Every now and then he’d walk into a room without announcing himself and stumble across people in various compromising positions. He’d seen more members of the Survey Corps having sex then he’d care to admit, possibly because the men and women who served under him knew that, if caught, they would receive nothing more than some advice to be more discreet before he moved on. Erwin didn’t care what his soldiers did, as long as they were willing to die by his command when the time came.

So the rules had never bothered him. Even if, one day, he awoke with the urge to break them, he didn’t think it would matter. He’d read somewhere that to love someone, to care for them, is a part of being human. And there had been someone, once, but he had walked away from her without a second thought, and he had walked away from humanity just as easily. There wasn’t room for caring, not like that, not since a few of his careless words as a child had gotten his father murdered, and he had decided then and there that he was nothing more than an object to prove that his father had been right; that there was something beyond those walls that blocked the horizon, a world out there with trees and oceans and mountains, a world that humanity had been made to forget. And had died for the knowledge of it. It was his purpose - to make up for what he had done. He was the wielder of the weapon, the sword, that would save humanity. He was a cause. He didn’t indulge in emotion. 

But there was Levi. There was Levi, waiting for him in his office almost two weeks after his first, disastrous expedition beyond the walls. Almost two weeks after the death of his friends and his aborted murder attempt. There was Levi, sitting with one leg crossed over the other on top of Erwin’s desk. And there was Levi, telling him about being fifteen and feeling the warm blood of another human being flowing over his hands for the first time after sticking a knife between his ribs, about how he didn’t know that murder could hurt so much until now, when he hadn’t even been holding the weapon himself. And Erwin can’t help but feel glad, thankful that Levi was so much older than himself when he first realised the realities of murder. Erwin had known for so long that you didn’t have to wield the blade to be the cause that ended someone’s life. It was a part of him, death.

Levi’s face did not betray any of his emotions. These were the facts of his life, and he told him, and then he made to leave. But Erwin could see the way everything about him was tense, how he had left fingernail marks that disappeared up his sleeve, how he had waited for Erwin to tell him something personal and then wanted to walk out straight after. Erwin had seen it in his soldiers before, and more often than not, he’d never seen those soldiers again. At least, not alive. 

So Levi made to leave, to slip past Erwin and out the door, and Erwin knew he couldn’t let Levi go, not now. So Erwin reached out as Levi passed and pulled him into a hug.

And Levi relaxed.

\--------------------------

Levi was first and foremost a weapon. As humanity’s strongest, he could be wielded as much as hope, as moral, as he was on the field of battle. Erwin had been drawn to that weaponry before he’d even known Levi’s name. His potential to become what he was now was the reason he had picked him up off the streets, dusted him off, and kept him around even after the murder attempt. Levi was the perfect soldier, quick to pick up the sword, quicker to follow orders. Levi will be his greatest legacy. When this is all over, when humanity have left behind the walls and risen to be the dominant species on the planet, Erwin will be a monster. But Levi will endure as a hero. Erwin will make it happen, no matter the cost, because humanity needs a hero. Even to his death. Even, if necessary, to Levi’s death.

It’s why humanity doesn’t know Levi. They know the symbol, but not the man. They don’t know that he has a temper as short as his height. They don’t know that he swears and he threatens and he belittles and that when he greets you, you’re more likely to get a question about your bodily functions than a hello. They don’t know about the cleaning. They don’t know Levi. All they know is what they need to know. They know that he kills Titans. Erwin makes sure it stays that way.

But Erwin knows. He knows about Levi’s crudeness and his anger. He knows that Levi snores to a level that he wouldn’t have thought could come from such a small frame. He knows that he used to steal and sometimes kill to stay alive, and even now, off the streets, he’d rather use intimidation techniques than just explain to someone what he needs them to do. He knows that he didn’t join the Survey Corps because of some idealism or to save humanity. He never cared about that. There were only two people in the world he cared about. But Erwin also knows that Levi stayed to fight so that no one else would have to give their lives. That he’s just as willing as Erwin to throw away his humanity in order to become a symbol, to be nothing more or less to the people than the idea of a hope of victory. Erwin knows how Levi likes to sit on his desk while he’s working and complain about everything, from the new trainees to his fellow soldiers to the command structure of the Corps to the state and size of Erwin’s office. And Erwin knows that Levi can’t be strong all the time. That he needs to rest like everyone else. That he likes to be held when he sleeps and he likes to grasp back, to rest his head on Erwin’s chest and listen to his heart beating, reminding himself that there is still someone alive who knew him before, when he was just Levi.

Erwin also knows what it feels like to have Levi pressed up against his back, his weight bearing down on him slightly as he sits at his new chair in his new office the day he’s promoted to Commander. The way Levi’s chin feels as it digs lightly in to his collarbone, the way his lips feel through the cotton of his shirt as Levi pulls back a little to press them to his shoulder. Erwin knows what it’s like to turn his head then, and kiss Levi, properly, for the first time.

It’s actually quite nice.

\--------------------------

The walls are in sight, and Erwin lets himself relax.

He knew he would not die in the line of duty. He was never going to allow himself to die outside the walls between the jaws of a Titan, and when he’d felt those teeth clamp down on his arm he’d taken his blade and he’d done what he had to to save Eren Yaeger and get as many of his men as he could back behind the walls. To get himself back. 

Because his death did not belong to the wild and the Titans. He was not going to go into the darkness and escape his fate. No, Erwin’s death belonged to humanity. For everything he had done to them, for the sons and daughters and mothers and fathers he had sent to their deaths, for the sacrifices he made in the name of the greater good without hesitation. Erwin was always going to die at the hands of humanity. Erwin’s death belongs to his father, for not knowing, not seeing until it was too late. Erwin’s death, and his life, belong to Levi.

Levi.

Levi.

Erwin passes through the gates, and the darkness seeps in under the iron walls of his will, though the cracks he hadn’t even known were there.

\--------------------------

Erwin wakes.

He can smell something. Stale, yet sanitised beyond recognition of a true scent. It covers his senses like a blanket, it’s all encompassing; somehow sounds seem muffled, and he can taste it on his lips when he wets them. There is also the sharp tang on blood, and it’s enough to bring him to awareness. He realises that the smell is coming from him, not just his surroundings, and he forces his eyes open.

The first thing Erwin sees is the stark white of the ceiling, and he runs through a list of where he could be. There’s obviously a chance that it’s an interrogation room, for if he believed in miracles he’d say the reason he’s never been in one so far is due to them. But he’s lying on a bed, so possibly a house. But there are very few people he trusts enough to visit their houses, and only three where he would agree to stay. All three of them live in designated buildings belonging to the Survey Corps, so not that either. The only other option is hospital, and Erwin wills his heart rate to slow so as not to alert any medical staff to his wakening until he’s got his wits back.

Erwin can feel pressure on his left hand. Cold, thin fingers wrapped around his own, and he looks across to see Levi’s dark hair has fallen across his face while he’s been sleeping. Erwin reaches over to bush Levi’s hair out of his face, to just touch a little to make sure that he is real, but nothing happens. Levi’s fringe continues to cover his closed eyelids and Erwin remembers. Cutting off his own arm, making a hasty tourniquet and throwing himself back on a horse. Feeling the adrenaline pumping blood through his veins and out the open wound of his missing limb. Fear, where he’d never let himself feel fear before. A desire to live that he didn’t know he had, because he has something to die for, but he has something to live for, too.

He doesn’t look at his right side. He keeps his gaze fixed on Levi, on the way he breathes steadily, on the pulse he can feel at his wrist if he twists his hand just so. He matches his breathing pattern, and gives his hand a light squeeze.

He isn’t sorry that what he believed would be his last thoughts were of Levi.

\--------------------------

The Marie Erwin remembers sitting at that bar had been slim and flirtatious and moved like water; all softness, but relentless. Two children later and pregnant, Marie is as beautiful as ever, with more curves and more force. Technically, civilians aren’t allowed on base, but she has sweet-talked her way into and through the building and was even making headway with Levi at the door to Erwin’s office before Erwin told him to just let her in. Because Marie Dok wrangles her husband and their two children and she is a force of both nature and goodness. No one denies her. When Levi turns around to follow her in, there’s some colour to his cheeks. 

Marie sits down opposite Erwin and takes his hand across his desk. Erwin sees Levi cross his arms across his chest out of the corner of his eye, but it’s been so long since he last saw Marie, he can’t help but try to catalogue everything about her. She’s clearly happy. She has laugh lines forming at the corners of her eyes and her hands where they wrap around his are soft and warm and confident. She’s glowing, and Erwin has never been happier of his own inaction. He’s glad he didn’t marry her, because she has everything she ever wanted with Nile - a loving husband and soon to be three children and a safe and secure home - and he could never have given any of it to her. He’s happy that life turned out alright for one person he knew during his trainee days.

But there are tears in her eyes when she tells him she heard about Mike, and Erwin finds himself agreeing to go out to a pub with Nile if only to stop her crying for real. He doesn’t really realise what he’s done until there’s movement in his periphery and Levi takes an abortive step forward and Erwin thought he had purged himself of these emotions a long time ago, when he walked away from Marie and his love and the life she had offered him. But he cares about Marie and he cared about Mike and he even cares about Nile, still, somewhere deep where he’d tried to hide his heart. And he loves Levi and he doesn’t know where all of this began, probably when he was young and they told him his father was dead, because breaks like that, they don’t heal and disappear they harden and they scar, but they’re still there. He has a heart, and it’s made of flesh and blood and pain.

Erwin tells Levi to walk Marie home. He wouldn’t trust her with anyone else. He wouldn’t trust a part of his heart to anyone but Levi.

\--------------------------

Nile is sitting alone at the bar when Erwin enters, and doesn’t even start when Erwin seats himself next to him. Doesn’t even turn to look at him, just waves his hand in the direction of the bartender who slides Erwin a double of whisky and they drink in silence.

An hour passes, before Nile speaks. “You remember that time during training you and Mike made out?” There’s a catch in his voice, but Erwin pretends he didn’t hear.

Erwin swallows thickly and looks down at his empty glass. He’s not entirely sure how many he’s had by now, but it’s enough that he can’t stop himself from thinking about Mike, how Mike was the closest thing he ever had to a brother. A brother that admired and respected him and just wanted his acknowledgement and trust and friendship. And Erwin wasn’t even with him when he died. Mike always understood why Erwin couldn’t be completely open with him, but it never stopped him wanting it. And Erwin wasn’t there to reassure him, in the end. If Erwin was the kind of man who was free to regret, he would regret this. 

Erwin nods, sharply, and doesn’t look up from the bar. His empty glass is replaced with a new one. 

They stumble outside another hour and a half later, leaning heavily on each other. Levi is waiting with two carriages out front, and he rolls his eyes when he sees them, but manages to bundle Nile into a carriage, for once without even saying anything rude. Erwin feels heavy and slow and slightly disoriented and he finds that he has to use Levi for support as they make their way over to the second carriage. He doesn’t lean on him too heavily, though. It’s not that he doesn’t think Levi can take it, not that he doesn’t think Levi is strong enough, but he doesn’t want to weigh Levi down with his own issues.

Erwin sits himself down in the carriage and Levi follows after, pressing himself lightly to Erwin’s side. They ride in silence for a while before Levi speaks. “Marie seems nice. And very beautiful. You really are stupid, letting her run off with that idiot Nile.”

Erwin is eloquent. He can convince men to die for him from words alone. Every word he says is carefully considered, he knows how everyone will react to them, and he knows why he says them. He doesn’t know why he talks now. He doesn’t think for a second. This isn’t what he does. “You’re beautiful.”

Levi pulls away, a little, to stare at him. Erwin doesn’t look away, he can’t show weakness, even when he is probably more drunk that he even thought. He just stares at Levi and Levi stares back. Levi knows his hopes for the future, but Erwin doesn’t talk with him about what he feels in the present. It’s not important, what Erwin wants now. His imagined future is just that, imagined, safe because it’s not real and it can’t effect anything, not really. But this, this is real. This is now, and it can kill. Levi talks about it, sometimes, when he thinks Erwin is asleep. Erwin doesn’t.

Levi rolls his eyes, and punches him in the arm, hard. But he also smiles, just a little, and then rests his head on the place he hit as the carriage takes them back to base.

\--------------------------

Everyone who knows about them has the wrong idea. They think it’s hard and fast and violent, like the rest of their lives. That they like the pain and the desperation and they have sex until they can do little more than pass out and they don’t speak, they do everything as if they could die the next minute.

The truth is, Levi likes the comfort. He likes the way that Erwin can wrap an arm around him and pin him to the bed, can engulf him without having to do anything more than just lie there and curl around him. Levi can feel safe with Erwin’s arm over him, Erwin’s weight at his back, hiding him from the world as he sleeps. Even when Erwin is unconscious, Levi can rest knowing that Erwin would do anything he could to protect him.

The truth is, Erwin draws the line at kissing. When he first mentioned it, he’d told Levi that he understood if he wanted to look for more elsewhere. Levi had glared at him in silence for so long that Erwin had actually fallen asleep, but he woke the next morning to find that Levi had burrowed in underneath his arm while he was sleeping and it was never really anything they needed to talk about after that. 

This thing, it wasn’t about taking life by the horns or some kind of guilt-driven punishment cycle or whatever everyone else thought. It was comfort and security and love. It was just for them.

And sometimes they didn’t sleep immediately after they went to bed. Sometimes they lay facing each other, curled towards one another and hands clasped, only an inch or so separating their noses.

“The system is corrupt, Levi. We can not free humanity from the Titans only for them to continue to live in a fear of change fostered by the ruling class. We have to take action.”

“And what? A military coup isn’t going to terrify those cowering civilians more? They don’t know anything, Erwin. They’re ignorant and stupid and they’re just going to want you dead more than they do already.”

“I agree. It’s not the best course of action, but it’s the best one we have. The Survey Corps can’t continue in the current climate, and then everything we have fought for will be in vain, anyway. We have to take a risk.”

“You’re such an idiot. You’re going to have a huge target on your back and everyone will want you gone, and I don’t have the time to always be watching it. I’ve got brats to scare into place. You’re going to get yourself killed old man, you’re getting slow and unbalanced. You should just let this stupid idea go.”

“Will you help me?”

It’s not really a question, and Levi answers without hesitation. “You know I’ll follow you anywhere.” 

Erwin closes the small distance between them, and presses their lips together softly.

This thing they have; it’s theirs.

**Author's Note:**

> I am not touching anything from chapter 57 with a ten foot pole. If Erwin dies, I'm not touching anything after that with a twenty foot pole.
> 
> Title from [Lose Control](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptKLJIonGAo) \- House of Heroes


End file.
